Sleepless Night

I cannot sleep at all tonight.  I have been sitting in my bed for about an hour listening to other people moving about in the apartment above mine.

Well, I figure I can give a bit more detail about what has been happening with me.

I officially finished my first semester of grad school last month. Only a couple more years to go!

The period right before the exam period was so stressful.  I actually suffered from a case of shingles due to stress. I had no idea young people could get shingles, did you?

The exam period was absolutely killer.  I really wasn’t living those last few weeks. I spent hours in the library and my apartment simply became the location where I showered and traded books.

Looking back, I know my area of study has an initial, steep learning curve, but those last weeks of school were miserable. The holiday break was a welcome relief.

Home was nice. I saw my mom and the rest of the family. It still felt a bit empty without my grandmother, who passed away over a year ago. We went to her grave on Christmas Day to see her, but whenever we go over there–it feels like she was just here. It just seems strange to think the world keeps going on without her. But it does–and it will.

I made it back to campus without incident, even with the awful weather going on at the moment.  I know that for this upcoming semester, I really have to focus on keeping my stress levels in check. The “responsible side” of me knows that I need to be conscientious about my health and well-being. At the same time, “the self-interested” side of me is scared that I might get a shingles rash on my face the next time I let stress get the better of me. >_>

I don’t have much to report on the dating front.  Sometimes, I just want to delete my profile, but other times, I just feel like I can roll with the punches–but the fact that I haven’t deleted the profile yet must say something.

Dare I say it, I have started messaging guys that I like. I have discarded my old rule. If I see a profile I really like, I have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that just tells me that I should send a message, because you never know, right? Well, I have not been successful at all with this approach, but at least I tried.

My last bit of news was that my college crush got married on Saturday. I’m happy for him, but there was a twinge in my heart when I saw his wedding pictures with his new wife pop up on Facebook.

That’s life.

A New Year

Well, I have been neglecting this blog as of late, but since it is 2014, I might as well start the new year with a freshly minted blog post.

I have been out on a couple more dates since my last post. There was…

Unorthodox Dude

We went out for coffee and went out to dinner at an inappropriately named restaurant–but the food was damn good. Like, I would seriously go back…even if I have to go by myself lol.  Unorthodox Dude was a nice enough guy, but by the second date I wasn’t really feeling any sparks with him. Also, he seemed a bit nervous around me. Plus, he sent me text messages telling me he was thinking about me at random times of the day. I really just wasn’t “into him.”

Construction Guy

We met up for coffee and then had dinner afterwards. He was taller than me (yay!), was blond (meh…), but had a manly body (yay!). By manly body, I mean he wasn’t thin or skinny. I like guys with a bit of meat on their bones. He kissed me at the end of the date. We met up for drinks a week later where we talked some more and he kissed me some more at the end of that date :). Then I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. :(  He did eventually text me some holiday greeting…but I just don’t think he was that into me.

Tech Dude

We met for coffee where we talked for about an hour. The conversation was good. We later met up for dinner about a week later. He seems like a really nice guy, but I don’t feel that “into him” either.

Adventures in Online Dating: Handy-Dandy

I just came back from an awkward date…

I will regale you with the details.

I remember passing by Handy-Dandy”s profile on OKC and not thinking too much about it. He later sent me a message. As far as I could tell through his pictures, Handy-Dandy was decent looking…and his profile seemed somewhat interesting. Trying to be open-minded– I responded.

After one day of communicating, Handy-Dandy wanted to meet. This was way too fast for me and I told him as much. He told me he would be okay with waiting until I felt comfortable to meet up–this was something I appreciated.

In the meantime, we talked sporadically through messages. I personally don’t think he was that great with keeping the momentum going with respect to online conversations. Whenever we fell in a lull, he would randomly send some new message to start a new conversation.

I wondered whether the medium of sending messages was hampering our ability to communicate, I gave him my cell number to see if the quality of our communications would improve. They did–albeit slightly.

I think he tried to get a sense of whether I would be down for meeting by asking me how my schoolwork was coming along. In every instance, I told him that I was swamped with work (which honestly was true).

That brings us to today.

I was working hard on a couple of assignments when I received a text from him. He texted that while he knew I was busy, he wanted to know if I would be down for a short study break. I mulled the text over and thought that I would take him up on the offer and spend no more than 30 minutes on a short study break.

We worked out the details. He suggested a franchise and I texted about meeting at a specific location…which he agreed to do.

At the agreed upon time, I went to the spot and waited…and…waited…and waited some more. I wasn’t too hung up about being possibly stood up by Handy-Dandy (In hindsight, I wish I had just left at that point). I was just about to leave when he texted me to say he was having trouble finding the spot. I texted back stating some obvious landmarks he should be on the lookout for to help him find the location.

He then texted me that he was there, but didn’t see me.

I texted back that I was inside.

I then asked him whether he went to another location. Yes–he did.

He told me to wait where I was and that he would head over to my location.

During this time I was pretty hungry and texted that we should just grab dinner at this point. I had planned on meeting this guy for a short while and then grabbing dinner solo, but I was getting famished at this point and decided to kill two birds with one stone.

He agreed.

He finally arrived and apologized. Handy-Dandy was…pretty nerdy looking. I was not attracted to him at all.

If I could describe his movement…maybe…I would say he was like a jaunty life-sized twizzler. That’s the best I can do.

We grabbed dinner at a place I sometimes frequent and I made small-talk with Handy-Dandy. I felt like I acted far cooler than I normally would have on a date (but I was absolutely civil and polite). I did not want Handy-Dandy getting ideas that I held romantic feelings for him…or that I was “into” him. There were a couple of lulls of silence during conversation. At times I would look down at the table and I could feel his eyes on me.

**Fuckkkkkk** I needed to make it clear that I was not into him.

I checked my cell phone for the time during dinner and told him that I intended on heading back to the library pretty soon since I had a lot of work to do. (Sign #1 that I’m not into you)

At this point, we both had finished our meals and I wondered why the waiter was taking so long to bring the damn check.

Waiter came and asked us if we wanted anything else—with a quickness I blurted out “No.”(Sign #2 I’m not that into you)

Waiter left again and took a long time in bringing the check. I insisted on paying for my own meal though Handy-Dandy offered to pay. (Sign #3 that I’m not into you)

As we got up to leave, he asked me if I wanted to grab dessert at a nearby place. I politely declined stating I really needed to finish my work plus I was pretty full. (Sign #4 that I’m not into you).

He kind of followed me as I headed back to campus–I didn’t know how to tell him to go home without sounding like a harpy. We were making small talk. I told him I was going to get coffee before heading back to the library. He looked like he wanted to continue the conversation at least before we parted ways so I said he could tag along since the coffee shop was just across the street. (This might be where I screwed up in terms of messaging).

I paid for my own coffee…he paid for his own pastry.

We walked out and headed down the street–the campus was just in view and so was freedom and my singledom. Hallelujah!

As we walked…he moved close to my side. I’m sure he thought he was utilizing his swag. My anti-swag kicked in and I responded by strategically placing my coffee in the hand closest to his and put my free hand in my pocket. I tried to move away from him, but if I moved away any further, I would have walked into a building. (Sign #4 I’m not into you)

We got to the street where we would part ways. I told him my goodbye. I thought he wanted to hug so we exchanged a very awkward hug. I’ve done the awkward date hug before….but then he leaned in to try to kiss me. All I saw were duck lips and closed eyes…

OH HELL NO…THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

I pulled away, said that it was nice meeting him, but I needed to be on my way. If it wasn’t clear before–it was clear now. I walked away sans kiss and he likely sauntered home broken. I don’t feel too bad about it…dude can’t read social cues.

Adventures in Online Dating: Skinny Dude

So, I feel like writing about the guy I mentioned in my last post–the one I actually met IRL.

So, where to start?

I happened to pass by Skinny Guy’s profile and and thought he seemed cool. He only had one picture…but from that single picture, he seemed okay looking.

Skinny Guy initiated contact with me. (I made a rule of not contacting guys first…which I have mostly followed…save for one guy). We chatted about our shared interests through messages, which turned to texts, and eventually conversations on the phone.

I will say that when I first spoke to Skinny Guy on the phone…I thought I might have been doing something possibly illegal because he sounded extremely young. I really like guys with deep voices…and dislike it when men sound like teenagers. Of course, Skinny Guy sounded like a teenager.

I think we chatted on the phone for some time before he suggested we meet up in real life. I had to turn him down the first time because I had so much schoolwork at the time. I did suggest that we meet up at another time–though I left the date up in the air depending on when I had some free time.

After that last conversation, we texted sporadically until he offered another date to meet up. I took him up on the offer and we met at a restaurant/coffee shop. I learned from past dates to keep it simple with something like coffee. This way, if things didn’t work out, at the least guy wouldn’t think I was using him for a free meal.

My first impression…Skinny Guy was skinny.

While he wasn’t unattractive, I wouldn’t say that I was personally attracted to Skinny Guy. I did enjoy the time I spent with him. We ended up talking for 2-2.5 hours. He was also nice enough to drive me to another coffee shop where I planned to catch up with some classmates (it was pouring out).

While I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic sense, I could see him as a possible friend. After meeting up, he didn’t text me and I didn’t text him. Not really sure why that occurred. I assumed he wasn’t interested, but he sent me a text maybe a 1.5 weeks after we met up asking me if I wanted to meet up again.

This fading…plus I feel like our interaction was so-so, so I just haven’t responded.

I find it hard to tell a guy that I am not interested in him romantically…I guess it is just better to let it fade.

Over One Month In

I have been away for a while. School has been keeping me busy.

It really is amazing how clarity and distance can give you some perspective. I looked over my last post and I know I made the right decision.

I feel a little disappointed in myself for breaking so easily. That was definitely the emotional side of me taking over, but I think in the end I made the right decision.

Concerning school, I am as busy as ever. I do not get much sleep. The workload is very heavy. Even as I write this blog post, I feel a bit guilty since I should be doing my reading– but I hate neglecting this blog.

On the dating front, not much has changed. Being on-campus again, I feel as if I am on prime dating ground…intelligent men, (hopefully) a plethora of open-minded men, a multitude of bars and other social venues, yet I feel as if I couldn’t get a date to save my life lol. As a woman of color, I feel like the dating scene is tough if you attend a school that has mostly white students. While I consider myself receptive to any decent man regardless of color, it gets tough when you have to wonder whether the men of your own race are even open to dating you…>_>

On the online dating front, I have received a couple of messages from some men, though many of them look as though little effort was put into the messages. For those guys that actually did put some effort into their messages, I am not really *feeling* it thus far. I have tried to remain open-minded, but that spark really isn’t there.  I actually met up with one guy I had been chatting with, but I just didn’t feel anything for him. I could see us as friends, but nothing more than that.

It really does seem to be the same old story, the guys that I am attracted to don’t seem to be attracted to me.

Sometimes I wish I could just message them and ask what made them decide not to pursue. I guess I am just curious.

The Ex

This week has been really crazy and hectic.

About a week ago, I received a text from my ex.

It was a bit surprising because we hadn’t communicated with each other at all since I left the West Coast. To give some context, when I was accepted to grad school, my ex told me he didn’t want to do a LDR. I really tried to get him to change his mind, but it was no use. He was adamant about not becoming involved in a LDR.

I was heartbroken.

Still, I could somewhat understand where he was coming from. People want relationships where they can hug, kiss and touch their partner.

Yet, at the same time, I was truly hurt by his admission. When I get into a relationship with someone, I do it for the long haul. I would try to make it work no matter what. He wasn’t on the same page as me in that respect. I guess my logic is when you truly find that person who makes you happy, you hold on that person no matter what.

Going off my logic, I felt that while he meant a lot to me, I didn’t mean as much to him.

I was deeply hurt that at the first sign of an obstacle, he didn’t even try to make this relationship work.

I was willing to compromise, to work out visiting, a timeline where we could be together again, but at every step there was some reason from him about why it wouldn’t work.

It dawned on me that no matter what I suggested, our relationship was going to end, regardless of how much I wanted it to continue.

It took me months to accept that this relationship was going to end and even longer to accept that I would be on my own once again.

At some point, I started to accept it and started to slowly move on. I moved away and we hadn’t spoken to each other since I landed on the other side of the country.

Given all that, receiving that text was something totally unexpected.

I responded; we exchanged pleasantries. He asked me if it would be okay to talk to me on the phone. I told him it would be okay (in reality, I was really happy to hear his voice).

We started talking about events that had happened since we had “split”. He had some stuff going on in his life before I left, which worsened once I had moved away. My feelings for him were coming through. It seemed a little awkward, which I guess is natural.

And then he steered the conversation over to something I wasn’t expecting at all.

He told me that he missed me and wanted to know if it would be possible for him to move across the country to live with me.

Mind you, this is 2 days before grad school starts.

I have to be honest and say my raw reaction to his question was happiness–but something in my gut told me to keep it together.

In a nutshell, I told him that I would need time to think this over because he had picked a horrible time (2 days before the start of grad school, additionally I had started to really make some progress in getting over him) to be putting all of this on me.

I really mulled over what he asked me. The more I thought about it, the less happy I was about what he was asking me.

Even though it had been about 4-5 weeks since I had left and truly “ended” the relationship, that time definitely gave me some perspective on it.

He wasn’t perfect, but then neither was I.

There were things I had not been happy about in the relationship,  things that I would’ve truly liked to change if we were to ever get together again.

A lot of it related to him taking charge of his life. Just him growing up and taking ownership of his life.

Additionally, with the stuff he was dealing with, I seriously wondered whether he was using me as a “crutch” to run away from the problems he was dealing with in his life. I considered myself pretty understanding and generous, but I seriously wondered whether I was being taken advantage of.

Lastly, this is not how I imagined I would be moving in with a partner. I always imagined that after being together for some time, we both would realize that we truly cared enough for one another to take it to a more serious level by living together.

The situation before me was not analogous to the above in any shape or form.

I ended up calling him and telling him how I truly felt.

I essentially told him that ”this” didn’t feel right to me at all.

The call didn’t end on the best note, but it didn’t end horribly either.

We haven’t communicated since that call, but I truly think it is for the best.

Getting Off My Ass

So, I have started working out. Again. 

I haven’t been documenting my workouts, but I actually feel committed enough to do so now. I just finished Week 3 of working out and will be starting Week 4 on Monday.

Thus far, my workouts have consisted of alternating days of high intensity interval training (running) and weight training (at my school gym). I also watch my caloric intake as well. 

I have never been a runner. By runner, I mean someone who can consistently jog, run, or sprint a significant distance (such as a mile) without stopping. That has never been me. Yet, I go out and run. Well, not run nonstop, but in short bursts.

But at least I am moving. 

Going to the gym has been an adjustment. The school gym is not as nice as the gym I used in California. It doesn’t have all the equipment I am used to using, so I have had to substitute some stuff with my routine. Additionally, it isn’t very big, so the weight room can get very packed.

Also, there are a lot of guys in there and very few women. At first, I was intimidated plus I felt self-conscious about sweating. I know it might sound strange, but sometimes I see other girls on ellipticals and they don’t even break a sweat. Meanwhile, I am gushing like Niagara Falls. 

Luckily though, I have mostly moved past feeling self-conscious. For me, sweating means I did a real workout. 

Things seem to be going very well with the exercising. I checked my weight today and I officially lost 10 pounds. 

With my grad school orientation and classes starting, I am going to soon find out whether I can stick to this workout regimen. 

I am really hoping I can do it.

I am really hooked on the endorphins I get from exercising. They make me feel happy!